Wednesday, May 18, 2011

who says it has to be either/or?

raw, untransformed and full of passion

"I think one of the problems in marriage is that people don't realize what it is.  They think it's a long love affair and it isn't.  Marriage has nothing to do with being happy.  It has to do with being transformed, and when the transformation is realized it is a magnificent experience.  But you have to submit.  You have to yield.  You have to give.  You can't just dictate."   ~Joseph Campbell



And I ask:  Why does it have to be either/or?   Passion or transformation?   While the passion and intensity of a love affair are hard to sustain year after year in a long marriage, why can the transformative experience of a long term relationship not include the natural ebb and flow of a love affair?  While one may move with some resistance toward the idea of transformation as preferable to passion, why can one not yield, give and submit to passion while being transformed?   I'll take both/and, rather than one over the other.  But then again, I can be greedy.  I do love to have my cake and eat it too, or should I say my kiss and transformation too!

I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it.

~ Rumi


'transformed' and still emoting passion


(If you are interested in transforming not only your life but also your photographs, check out the free textures you can download on my other blog Pixel Dust Photo Art by clicking HERE.)






28 comments:

  1. passion waxes and wanes but unless you give and yield, there is no structure for the passion to wax and wane in. but the thing is, both parties have to give and yield.

    personally, I think so many marriages fail because once married, one or both don't stop looking. looking as in 'look for', not 'look at'.

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  2. Hummm…while I hate to quibble with Joseph Campbell, I think he's got it dead wrong. Marriage should, indeed, be a long and enduring love affair, a union made in joy and passion, its sum greater than the singular individuals. That's why we give ourselves and our lives to one another. To exclude happiness for transformation is to settle for finding ways to make do; at worst it is nothing more than mere compromise.

    Absolutely, there must be submission, yielding, giving; the step must be made from "I singular" to "we plural." Marriage is a momentous and holy undertaking, an act of creation—and indeed a realization of magnificence in its outcome. But I think that process could never be so fulfilling should you not continue abiding within the original motivation. The love affair—the passion and happiness—should not only continue, but increase, regardless of time and age, because both stem from the wellsprings within the heart.

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  3. smiles. i will not settle for less than both...i do like the quote as i think love does change over time but only becomes less passionate if we let it...

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  4. HI BONNIE "Grizz" spoke my hearts-words so well. We are in a wild and wonderful love affair and it is in every aspect of our lives, from a simple meal to caring for those in need. We adore one another, which is a word I/we so appreciate. Our gift to one another is loving one another just as we are for who we are. And trusting completely so yielding and submission are beautiful and safe and generous. Yes!!
    Love to you
    Gail
    peace.....

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  5. Every day can be a simple choice to keep passion and yet...I think a lot of us get "mid stream"..sidetracked..disconnected but present in the relationship...losing some of the magic and passion when we were "younger", "fresh in love"...It's so easy after years and years to forget a little of what brought you together in the first place. It's as if passion trickles out, where the Ocean becomes only a small stream..
    It's tough to realize that your Marriage, once wildly passionate, has slowly become routine, comfortable, and although enduring, it's lost a few of those "original" qualities you found in each other, along the way. How does one go about finding it again? A new perspective and desire to rekindle, I suppose.

    I LOVE your photos! Beautiful thoughts to think about today...

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  6. I envy the lucky man or woman who has discovered the secret to sustained passion.

    Once "comfortable" is introduced, it is so challenging to be new to each other. Recognizing this, I allow certain mystery about the person to remain so I can have a lifetime to discover.

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  7. Love this post, so thoughtful and appropriate for we who marry ( and then wonder)...The rose is so lovely!

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  8. Ellen: Interesting to think of giving and yielding as the structure for passion. I like that!

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  9. Grizz: Beautifully said.

    I would add that we are hindered a bit by the limits of the English language when we speak of love. The Greek language has several words to describe differing forms of love - they speak of familial love, philial love, principled love as well as erotic love, and more. In a good marriage all of those aspects of love should be at work ... and if they are ... you cannot help but be transformed (and healed from many of the wounds of childhood).

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  10. Brian: I do think there is an ebb and flow to the intensity of the passion in long term relationships, as you say, but if we are exercising principled love, respect, reciprocity, compassion, etc. sparks re-ignite ... especially if we set the stage for them to do so, as you suggest.

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  11. Gail: Sounds divine! Acceptance, attention, appreciation, putting the other's needs before one's own are key. Truly balm for the soul.

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  12. Antique Paperie: You make some interesting points. You also answer your own question by saying it is a choice we make to stay connected, to not take things forgranted, to change the routine, etc. It does require us to be conscious and to be willing to invest the time and energy required.

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  13. Mila: Yes - and truly the mystery is always there for we can never truly know everything about another.

    I love mystery, but I also enjoy the comfort of the familiar, the relaxed pleasure of not having to re-explain your history, preferences, fears, joys to another. It is a joy to be known, (as much as one can know us) ... to be seen, valued, understood and appreciated.

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  14. Linda Sue: What I have come to realize over the course of many years with one long-suffering man is that the times when I have been the most dissatisfied in the marriage had much more to do with me and my issues than with my partner. It's hard to see the other clearly when our perception is clouded by old pain, old habits, childish yearnings, etc.

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  15. What a perfect rose! I can almost smell it. I’m with you on transformation, passion and love. All of the above. Rumi is the best.

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  16. Intriguing. I really believe it is NOT an either or, but maybe the "marriage life" comes in "waves" ... the focus and intensity of passion, stress, compatibility, disappointment nurturing, happiness, struggling... But respect and commitment need to be in the forefront or everything is in jeopardy because marriage IS all those things I mentioned. And I like what you said in your last statement above... spot on!

    Beautiful rose, btw.

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  17. HI Bonnie
    Thanks for popping over to my post.. I agree with you on the transformation.. love really should have passion.. as should life in general.. I think it is passion that transforms us..

    Love your rose.. gorgeous!! Have a great day.. ciao xxx Julie

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  18. More wisdom above than I can offer.. so I'll just tell you how lovely your rose images are.. beautiful.

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  19. Margaret: Couldn't agree more. Thank you.

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  20. Julie: How true - maintaining our passion (in many areas of life) is transformative.

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  21. Hilary: High praise for me, coming from you. Thank you!

    There IS so much wisdom that has been shared in these comments. Wonderful how we can learn so much from each other.

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  22. Me too. The cake and eating it. Every time. (Spent too long not eating when I was younger.)

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  23. Excellent photo. I love the texture and beautiful tones. Very nice and exotic flower.

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  24. I will go for both too!! So I am working on it for sure!! Every moment of every day!
    Well said Bonnie..well said
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  25. Robert (Solitary Walker): Me too. :)

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  26. Leovi: Thank you so much for dropping by and for your kind comment.

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  27. slommler: Yes! Let's have it all! Hugs back.

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