everlasting moments

Let me tell you about an amazing little foreign language film I watched last night:  "Everlasting Moments".  It is in the genre of the classical European period dramas.  This one is about a woman, Maria, at the turn of the 20th century struggling with a rough, brutish husband and her ever-growing brood of children.  It is really about the awakening of her spirit through the gift of an artistic eye that she tries to express with photography.  You  see her have to stifle her gift, as there is no room in her world for creative expression.  She even has to hide her camera for fear her husband will confiscate or destroy it.

How times have changed.  How privileged we are to have so many artistic tools and resources at our fingertips and the clear assumption we have every right to use them.  I kept thinking how much I take my ability to express on an artistic level for-granted.  It certainly illustrates the evolution of women's expressive rights and reproductive rights.


This film is raw yet elegant, full of the restraint of the period yet profoundly intimate.  While it has English subtitles, I was so caught up in the imagery and plot that I barely noticed.  Do keep an eye out for it - it is well worth the investment in time to watch. 


Below are descriptions and reviews from Wikipedia and Rottentomatos.com, in that order:

Everlasting Moments (Swedish: Maria Larssons eviga ögonblick) is a 2008 Swedish drama directed by Jan Troell, starring Maria Heiskanen, Mikael Persbrandt and Jesper Christensen. It is based on the true story of Maria Larsson, a Swedish working class woman in the early 1900s, who wins a camera in a lottery and goes on to become a photographer.

The film won the Guldbagge Award for Best Film and was nominated for Best Foreign Language Film at the 66th Golden Globe Awards. It also made the January shortlist for Best Foreign Language Film at the 81st Academy Awards, but wasn't selected as one of the final nominees.

Synopsis (from Rottentomatos.com):  


"In this breathtaking film from renowned Swedish director Jan Troell, a woman experiences an artistic awakening after being introduced to photography. Based on real-life events, the story opens at the start of the 20th century and centers around Finnish housewife Maria Larrson (Maria Heiskanen). Maria spends her days struggling to care for her large brood of children and trying to manage her abusive, alcoholic husband, Sigge (Mikael Persbrandt). Sigge is a dockworker, and when he isn’t dabbling in Socialist politics, he’s parading around town with various women, then returning home in a drunken stupor to beat Maria and the children.

Maria suffers many harsh indignities, but her world is changed forever the day she tries to pawn an old camera she won in a lottery. The owner of the camera shop is a kindly gentleman named Sebastian (Jesper Christensen), and instead of buying the camera, he insists Maria try it first. Maria takes his advice, and the effect is instantaneous: she is hooked on the power of the pictures. She begins to take portraits of the townspeople and the harsh world around her, and her newfound talent suddenly infuses her with confidence and awakens an inner passion.

Sigge rails against this bold new change in her and becomes more abusive, threatening to kill her and destroy her camera. But Maria defies him and continues to take pictures, eventually developing an intimate friendship with Sebastian. Troell does a magnificent job re-creating the time period, and while many of the film’s images are rather harsh and painful to take in, they are also fascinating and beautiful in their realism. Persbrandt delivers an excellent performance, and Heiskanen is phenomenal as the unstoppable Maria. Despite the bleak world the characters inhabit, the film is ultimately a moving affirmation of life’s beauty and the strength of the human spirit."

peek-a-boo, c'est moi

 

Okay, this is a connect the dots - if you want ...  :-)   Oh, and I really don't have green moles on the sides of my nose ... but my eyes are green.  Just having a bit of fun with layers and textures and figured you must be tired of seeing Buddhas covered in leaves and flowers.  Have turned off the comment option, as I don't want you trying to figure out what on earth to say about this!  Back with something more substantial as a post soon.

"...love the questions..."

"Have patience

with everything unresolved

in your heart

and try to love

the questions themselves,

as if they were locked

rooms, or books

written in a

very foreign language.

Don't search

for the answers,

which could not be given

to you now,

because you would not

be able to live them.

And the point

is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then,

someday far in the future,

you will gradually,

without even noticing it,

live your way

into the answer."

~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Have you ever felt impatient with seemingly unsolvable questions in your heart and mind? Have you ever entertained the option, as expressed in this well-known quote of Rilke, to "love and live the questions themselves"?  I  appreciate how he assures us that by so doing ... perhaps ... one day ... we will live our way into the answers.

Has that ever happened for you?  That by simply loving and living with the question the answer has appeared of its own accord down the road?  It is another example of being able to accept 'what is'.  The question is there - with no answer in sight ...  can we accept it and live with it or do we (I, you) rush to premature resolution - with perhaps inadequate information or experience?

My life seems to have been one of living the questions - less because I chose to - more because I had to ...

The benefit of that (living with so many unanswered questions) was that I learned to tolerate ambiguity.  As much as our minds would like to believe 'it' is either 'this' or 'that' - life is not that simple.  There is rarely any one, singular truth.  I think that is why I love the words - shades, hues, variations, nuance, subtle, edge, degree, grey, refine, process, scale, level ... Think of all the beauty and wisdom we miss if we see/hear/think in black and white.  Think of all the wiggle room available - to test, try, improvise, explore, learn, adapt, grow - when we do not jump immediately to the obvious answer, but instead opt to live with the question for a while.

...what to consider when seeking a therapist...

Here are some things to consider when you are looking for a psychotherapist:

*  Seek out a therapist that comes with references from someone you respect.

*  Attend to how you are treated by secretaries or the therapist themself when you call for your appointment - notice your immediate response to how they deal with you.  How respectful, professional, courteous are they?  The therapist should be willing to answer some logistical questions during the first phone call.  They will not have time to listen to all your issues or hear your history - that needs to be saved for the session.

*  Prepare a set of questions that you have for the therapist about their orientation, experience, goals for your therapy,  fees, receipts, cancellation policy, etc to ask at your first appointment.

*  I would only want to work with a therapist who apart from their training, has done their own course of therapy.  If they have not done their own psychological healing work, they could unconsciously steer you away from subjects or feelings which would bring up their unresolved issues.  How can someone take you on a 'journey' where they have never been?  Some psychology programs at both the under-graduate level and the graduate level neglect to make personal therapy a requirement of the program.  Thus it is quite possible to have a psychologist that has not really done their own personal psychological work.

  To my mind, it is an entirely appropriate question to ask - "Apart from your schooling, studies and training, have you done your own psychological work in a course of therapy?"  Some may hem and haw around this question, if they have not.  If you get the feeling they have not, seek out another therapist.

*  attend to your comfort level in their consultation room ... are the chairs comfortable, are you fairly close to the therapist or stuck across the room, is the consultation room sound proof ...


*  are you comfortable with their body language ... does the therapist seem comfortable in their own skin?


*  as much as you may want advice, a good therapist should be there to facilitate you finding your own answers.  Certain suggestions on how to deal with anxiety and stress will be helpful - certain educational moments happen at different points to help you understand your own process - but just notice if your therapy sessions become more problem-solving or advice-giving sessions.  If that is the case, it is not truly therapy.  Lazy therapists will fall into the trap of always giving advice.

Consider asking some of the following questions:

* Has the therapist worked with anyone else with the same issues as you?


* Is the therapist comfortable working with any dreams you bring to the session?  I like a therapist familiar with Jung's perspectives for dreamwork.


* How long have they been working in the field? 


* What is their policy about cancellations? 


* How long do they think you will need therapy?


* Are they able to do both short term and long term therapy?  Which do they think you will require?


* How will you both know when the therapy is completed? 


* Do they issue receipts and/or deal with third party payers (insurance companies)? 


* If you are dealing with relationship issues, would they be comfortable meeting and working with you and your partner for a couple of sessions?


* Are they planning a sabbatical or lengthy vacation in the near future after your therapy gets started?  (You do not want to just get comfortable disclosing with your therapist and then have them disappear for a month or two.)


* Do they work at the time of day most convenient for you?

* Remember that in the first couple of sessions YOU should be assessing whether this is the person you want to work with.  If not, be honest and let them know that you do not think 'the fit' is right and that you prefer to keep looking.  A good therapist should be entirely comfortable with your choice.


Things you can do to maximize your therapeutic experience:

*  Work on being as honest and forthcoming as possible.  To fudge on the facts or withhold information is not fair to yourself or the therapist.  You are not there to protect an image - you are there to work on the truth of your life, anxieties and behaviours.  A good therapist is not judging your revelations, but using them as pieces to solve the unique puzzle that is you - (as much as that is possible!).  Honest disclosure is a fundamental key to progress.

*  Don't wait until near the end of a session to disclose important developments, feelings, issues - if possible.  Of course, it happens that something important may only occur to you at the end of a session.  But you have 50 minutes to 1 hour to work - maximize the time available to you by bringing up the important issues early in the session - if you are already aware of them.

*  If issues or problems arise with the therapist's way of working or dealing with you don't be shy to address them.  You are paying for the time and have every right to seek clarification and get your needs met.  You are not there to impress, be polite or have a lovely social conversation.  Deal with what is, as it arises.  You will save yourself a lot of frustration, time and money by so doing.

*  Begin to keep a dream journal and bring up your dreams in therapy.  Hopefully you will have a therapist who does not provide his/her interpretation, but asks the questions that will help YOU interpret YOUR dream.  While there are common or universal dream symbols, the symbols your mind uses may be uniquely yours and ones only you can decipher.  (One good thing to recall, is that generally everything and everyone  in the dream represent something your psyche is trying to tell you about you.  As with everything, there are always exceptions.)

*  While sometimes it is appropriate to come prepared with things you want to talk about ... most of the time I would advise just allowing yourself to talk freely about whatever is most pressing for you.  Sometimes preparing subject matter in advance is a way of avoiding dealing with what needs to bubble up.

*  Take time to reflect on the content of your session - after it is over.  This is how you maximize learning and understanding.

*  While you may find yourself resisting or defending against things your therapist says or suggests, be willing to give the thoughts some consideration.  Good therapy is dependent on your ability to reflect on and truly understand the observations or interpretations made by the therapist.

*  Now and then ask yourself - "am I using what I am learning in therapy to effect change in my life?"  Fundamentally, therapy should be about change - about eliminating ineffective life patterns - about assuming more responsibility for your life - about growing up.  The only way to improve how you feel or to improve your life situation is to make the changes required.  Only you can do that.  The therapist can accompany you to 'the edge', but it is up to you to jump to the new shore.

* Depending on your therapist's orientation/style/education you may be asked to do more than talk.  Be willing to role play, visualize, learn stress reduction techniques, learn thought stopping techniques, learn about recovery from trauma, learn about the grieving process, etc.  You can learn many valuable life skills IF you are willing to try something new right in the consultation room.

If you have been in therapy at some point in your life, you, dear reader, may have some good suggestions you might like to share in your comments that will help others.  The suggestions I have made here are by no means a comprehensive list (just typing as I think), so anything you can add will be considered, appreciated and probably commented on by me.

• 
  
  

your weekend flowers have arrived

These macro shots are of the tiny blossoms that compose a tall 'dark knight' delphinium bloom.  Enjoy!

Tolerance

"Inner disarmament means a well-developed tolerance
that frees you from the compulsion to counterattack. 
For the same reason,
we also call tolerance the best armor
since it protects you from being conquered by hate."

~Dalai Lama

what you do every day ...

 

Nature's sense of humor

Last week
in an early Spring
we sat outside
and basked
in summer-like sunlight.

This week
nature has played
a little joke, and
covered our chairs
in fluffy, cold crystals.

White, cold snowflakes
are good too.
Soon the sun
will reappear
and melt them away.

Life is
ever and always
what it is.
Joy is available
in accepting every variation.

...on being a therapist, part II...

In part I of this little series on being a therapist, I described many of the logistical and up-front considerations at work when a therapist first encounters a client.  Today I'd like to explore how therapy is an art form (even more than a science), and how the therapist is his or her own instrument in the execution of the art.

Many great psychiatrists contend that "it is the relationship that heals".  I would agree with that now.  I did not realize this at first.  You do the work of therapy, apply the concepts, make the interpretations, support the work of change - and as you do the relationship is what provides the healing. 

At the end of a course of therapy (if appropriate) I like to ask the client, "What, if anything, made the difference for you in the work we have done together?"  Rarely does anyone mention my 'amazingly insightful and astute interpretations', few mention any particular or timely interventions made, few seem consciously aware of a more adult point of view they now bring to their life ... 

Most will say something to the effect of:  "It was finally feeling understood."  "It was how I was able to reveal anything and not feel judged."  "It was how you accompanied me to hell and back."  "It was seeing in your eyes that I had worth and that I mattered."  Huh?, I would think.  All those years of study and training, all the effort at understanding their inner dynamics and it was because I listened, sat there, looked at the person ... that was it?!  Hmmmmm......  (I must admit that I had noticed that the less I said, the better I got!)

I used to be taken aback - after all the effort I had put into applying theories and concepts to their situation - after all the times I felt I had helped them develop more effective perspectives and behaviors to manage difficult situations - after all the times I had helped them come to terms with untenable situations - after all the support given while they effected change ...  and it seemed to be the quality of my presence that helped them most. 

Well, of course - Bonnie!!!  As a student of Eastern philosophies how could you not have seen that?
(Buddhism and Taoism - many Eastern philosophies, are, in fact, very psychologically sophisticated.)  So while you need to have acquired the concepts, the theories, the models, the protocols, the skills, the ability to understand, interpret and intervene ... what frequently matters most is the quality of presence you bring to the work.  Your ability to be mindfully in the moment with the client - providing a safe 'holding' environment for the client.  Simple attention and presence.  Ready, able and willing to accompany them wherever they may need to go in their interior landscape.

Master psychiatrist Mark Epstein, M.D. (a Buddhist as well as a doctor) has written a few books on psychotherapy.  His book, "Going On Being" is a little gem.  He weaves the book around the work of child psychiatrist, D.W. Winnicott whose years of research were often whittled down to pithy statements about the relationship between mother (caretaker) and child.  He encouraged caretakers of young children not to abandon and not to interfere.  (There is so much to learn from those few words - but for today I want to share how they apply to the psychotherapeutic relationship.)  "Don't abandon.  Don't interfere."  If the caretaker does either, according to Winnicott, it interferes with the child's "going on being" - the child's own private, precious process of learning, growing, developing, simply being.  The caretaker needs to offer a reliable, predictable presence to the child.  Presence.  Mirroring.  Accepting.  This allows the child's innate nature to develop at its own pace, to not be cautionned at every turn, to not be interfered with by too much praise or too much instruction, to simply be.

Epstein rightly applied Winnicott's suggestions to the therapeutic relationship.  Be there.  Be in the moment with the client.  Don't abandon.  Don't interfere.  Don't tell the client how to BE.  Accompany them while they develop their own pattern of "going on being".  In whatever field - when you get to the core principle - it is simple - it is pure - it is beautiful - and it works.  Facilitate the client's 'going on being'.

With Winnicott's words in mind,  I always try to be centered, grounded, in the moment, and mindful when I sit with a client.  I know the greatest and most healing of gifts I can offer is simple, human presence.  Not my particular presence, just mindful human presence.  Someone who wants to hear their story.  Someone who will not interrupt except for clarification.  Someone who will try to understand it from their point of view (even if they don't agree with all the rationalizations).  Carl Rogers called it "unconditional positive regard".  Someone who knows that the client's own private, precious process (being) is sacred.

So while some say it is the relationship of therapist with client that heals, readers of Winnicott and Epstein could assert that it is more precisely the quality of mindful presence that fosters the healing process or the ability to 'go on being' for a client.

You don't need to be a therapist to benefit from this insight.  We can ask ourselves, what quality of presence do I bring to my relationships with my loved ones?   One of the greatest acts of love is to simply pay attention.  Full attention.  Bringing our full, mindful presence to any exchange.  Simple.  Free.  Doable.  Loving.

Whether you talk to a painter, a photographer, a writer, an actor, a designer, a dancer - any kind of artist - they will all tell you that their work improves with the quality of attention and presence they bring not only to their art but to their life.  Many clients have taught me that this is also true for the art of psychotherapy.

...on being a therapist...

I am often asked what it is like to be a therapist.  I guess people are naturally curious about a person who gets to hear so many secrets about so many lives.  So in response I thought I would just type, in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way, about what it is like (for me) to be a therapist, how I approach the work, the rewards and the challenges.  This will not be a comprehensive description of my or any therapist's approach.  That said, here goes:


First I must say that it is an honour to be graced with the gift of peoples' life stories.  It never ceases to amaze me the highs and lows people have experienced in their lives.  So many twists and turns, yet surprisingly always similar, common themes of the triumph and turmoil in a human life.


Since I do not work in a medical setting, I refer to those who come to me as clients, not patients.  As well, most people I see are not 'sick' and thus do not qualify for the term 'patient', to my mind.  If they are at immediate risk of hurting them self or someone else, I make sure they see a psychiatrist in a hospital setting  for diagnosis and treatment.  Usually, it is people who feel stuck, depressed, discontent or anxious about their lives who arrive as clients.  Most folks who enter therapy are 'regular' people who just want some help over a particular hurdle or who want to reflect on persistent patterns in their life.


I have learned over the years to pay very close attention to the first things a client says when I greet them.  While it may seem like some mundane, weather-related or getting-to-know-you remarks, they often are harbingers of issues, paradoxes, even insights that will emerge in the session.  Sometimes after the initial greetings, I will think to myself, "Well, that little law of first statements will not apply today", and invariably once into the session I will find myself making a link back to what they said when they entered the room.  It's quite uncanny.  The psyche seems to have its own agenda, quite unconscious at times for the person, but revealed in everyday comments as they enter the door.

I set my office up as a comfortable 'living-room' type setting.  There is never a desk between the client and myself as that would be a barrier or boundary which could inhibit free conversational exchange.  Perhaps there are psychoanalysts that still use 'the couch', but I do not know of any of my colleagues who do not sit across from the client facing each other (unlike the stereotypical seating-arrangement in the cartoon above).

Sometimes I have wondered at a first visit if I was suited to work with a particular client, noting that I did not find them likable, or found them somehow 'off-putting'.  Without exception, by the end of the work together, I  will have discovered many endearing, likable aspects to the person  Everyone is likable and lovable if you take the time to get to know them.  Okay, almost everyone ... but the almosts are very rare.


One could not be blamed for assuming that psychotherapy is an easy job - park yourself in a chair, listen, take a few notes, make a few pithy, well-timed, helpful remarks and you are done.  Well, from my perspective ... not quite.  Good psychotherapy requires focused attention and attunement on multiple levels.  This multi-leveled attunement requires a lot of energy.

Every client comes in with a story to tell.  As they tell their story and explain their problem or issue, as the therapist I must simultaneously be attuned to the following:

*  the details of their story - the words, the content, the players, their childhood history, etc. etc., so I can respond sensibly and the person can feel understood

*  the non-verbal signals - how does the way they use their body speak of their struggle(s)  -- what is their body saying that is not evident in their words/story -- are they able to maintain eye contact

*  what is the person not saying, leaving out, avoiding talking about  -- what might their psyche be trying to tell me that is not evident in the content of the story/words ...

*  what is their ego strength -- are they able to cope with the stressors in their life  --  are there ways that they are at risk (or could put other persons at risk) -- how defended are they against reflecting on the truth of their life -- how able and/or willing are they to confront their pain -- how able and/or willing are they to make changes -- how identified are they as the 'victim' in their circumstance --   Making these assessments tells me, among other things, at what speed I can proceed with the work ahead ...

*  what key pieces of developmental growth work are they resisting or avoiding -- what might be the underlying issue that eventually has to be addressed

*  are there immediate ways they need help to manage stress -- do they have support in their life -- how alone are they in the world

*  are there ways I can offer some immediate affirmation for how they are handling their situation

Some of the above is trying to assess, beyond their written intake history, what it is like to walk in this person's shoes and live in their mind ... This is called attunement.  Clients perceive when the therapist is well-attuned to them and their situation and this helps them feel relaxed and at ease.

Clients need to be informed of the therapist's particular approach (cognitive/behavioral; psycho-dynamic; Jungian, etc. etc.) and of the ground rules and expectations of the joint work together (honesty, no self-harm, confidentiality, etc.)  And, of course, the client needs to be able to ask any questions in order to feel comfortable enough to proceed.  I always tell clients at the beginning of a first session that they should be assessing their comfort level with me and if they are not comfortable to feel free to continue the search for the right therapist for them.  It is always evident this comment is appreciated and I don't recall anyone has taken me up on the offer - yet.

Each person enters the consultation room with their own special vibe or energy.  Some come seeking energy (without being consciously aware of it) and can leave a therapist feeling sucked dry.  I have found this feeling in myself is often a signal of a certain personality disorder in the client.  This is another area where a therapist has to attune their attention - assessing their own reactions to the client.  Their own gut reactions to the client hold a lot of information - but first the therapist must sort out whether it is truly information about the client, or if it is information about them self and the work they (the therapist) need to do!

Well, that is enough of my rambling for now.  I hope it has given you a tiny glimpse into what it is like to work as a psychotherapist.  Do keep in mind that therapists all have their own approach and style and that no two will be the same.  I know there are therapists who read this blog and there may be some screaming "but you forgot ....", and I know I have left out tons of essentials ingredients that make good therapy soup - but I have simply shared the ones that came to mind for today.  Perhaps I will write more at a later date.  If you have questions I will be glad to answer them.

The thought is quiet as a flake

A crash without a sound

How life's reverberation

Its explanation found!

~Emily Dickinson

~~~~~

It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found.

~D.W. Winnicott

~~~~~

"...the flower of your whole life..."

Quiet and unnoticed
The flower of your whole life
Has opened its perfect petals.

~William Carlos Williams


Happy first day of Spring everyone!

...the stories we tell...

No, you are not crazy - I did publish this post yesterday and have republished it today.  The discussion in the comments is lively and interesting and thought it would be a shame if they were missed.  So in the hope you will enjoy the exchange of thoughts from astute commenters, this post is having a second go round.  A few have commented more than once, please feel free to do the same if you have further points to make.

your weekend flowers have arrived

May your weekend be full of gold-lit moments

Make your heart glad.

Reach for the light.

Shower yourself

with yellow.

Collages of Collages

The Original Art Studio has been rather unproductive of late.  Photo editing as been a major preoccupation, and I have left other, more hands on, artistic endeavors to the side.  When I did spend some time in the studio, the colours of blue and brown 'overtook' me and I did several collage pieces with tones of blue, turquoise, navy, rust and brown.

The photographs of these collages did not turn out well, for some reason, so I started to play around, editing, cropping and collaging them.  Here is a collage of a few of my recent collages.  There are three collages that appear in the piece below (two of them appear twice).  As you can see, I used blue lines to separate the pieces of artwork.

Below is another collage of the same collages, without the blue lines to separate one collage from another.  There are four different collages that appear in this work (one appearing twice).  It does seem to merge together to look like one piece of work.

 

Another variation with no delineating lines

And here (below) are some of the separate pieces that appear in the above collages.

Since these works, I have been doing more painting - to be shared at a future date.  However, I still find the lure of editing photographs hard to resist (are there any support groups out there for this phenomenon?), to the detriment of the 'production line' out of the Original Art Studio.

...but what if...?

"The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life.

That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ, all these are undoubtedly great virtues.  What I do unto the least of my brethren, I do to Christ.

But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, the very enemy himself are all within me - and that I am the one most in need of the alms of my own kindness - that I am the enemy who must be loved - what then?"

~Carl Jung

(Photographs by Bonnie Zieman, 2009)

green, green, it's green they say ...

Irish or not, do you participate in "the wearin' of the green" on St. Patrick's Day?

An Irish Blessing

May you live a long life

Full of gladness and health,

With a pocket full of gold

As the least of your wealth.

May the dreams you hold dearest,

Be those which come true,

The kindness you spread,

Keep returning to you.

(Photographs B. Zieman 2009)

serene light

Coming in but not at the gate,
Going out but not by the door,
This body of mine
Is the land of serene light.
~Gyokko, Zen Poet
~~~~~~~


Healing:
to touch or enter
with mercy and awareness
those areas of ourselves
from which we have withdrawn
in anger or judgment.
~Steven Levine
~~~~~~~

(BZ 2009 photographs layered)

Are you tormented by 'whys'?

"The only way to live is like the rose: without a Why."
~Meister Eckhart~

"Why?" questions have their time and place.  We all need to ask them sometimes.  However, in matters of the heart, psyche and soul it is often "why?" questions that are the source of suffering.


We agonize by asking ourselves, "Why me?", "Why now?" "Why him?" "Why did it have to happen like that?", "Why so much pain and loss?". And even if you find the answer will it bring you solace, hope, relief? Usually not. It may provide your mind with information that solves a puzzle, but it rarely offers balm or comfort to the soul - or ever fully explains human behaviours - or moves you beyond a predicament.

In therapy the people who suffer the most are usually the ones who ask "why?" the longest. The ones who insist on finding why it happened this way, or to them, etc. often remain stuck and blocked.  A lot of why questions could indicate you are having trouble accepting reality - what is.

 It is so much more peaceful and productive to ask questions (about the same subject) that begin with "How?" or "What?".  Such as:  


* How did I contribute to this dilemma? There may be an answer. Then the next question can be:


* What will I do next time to avoid such a dilemma? 


* Given that these are the circumstances, HOW do I proceed from here?


* With so many losses behind me, WHAT choices lay before me?


* What could I have done differently?


* How will I manage similar situations in the future?


How and what questions are oriented to the present and future, to action and hope. Why questions usually are oriented to the past and often have us banging our head against a wall - feeling hopeless and helpless.

Why questions are essential for scientists and research.  However, to heal our wounds, amend behaviours and embrace life, how and what questions are much more gentle and skillful for an individual.  How and what questions help us manage our situation, move forward and heal.


So, don't go to the extreme, and say you should never ask a why question.  Of course, we will all ask why questions at times.  But when you notice yourself asking one try not to get stuck there, and try a 'what' or 'how' question to see if it opens up more possibilities for you.


(Another thought about 'why' questions that come at you, instead of from you:  If friends or loved ones are always asking you why you do this or that, why you make the choices you do - they are basically asking you to justify yourself.  E.g.  Why do you always go to Mexican restaurants?  Why do you always wear that color?  Why do you always get your books from the library?  Why do you still hang out with her?  Why do you spend so much time volunteering?  Why do you wear the same old clothes?  Why do you have a brush cut?, etc. etc. etc.   Sometimes we should account for and justify our actions - but not ALL the time.  Beware of people who are always asking you to justify yourself by asking "Why?".  Someone who claims to care for you should be open and accepting - not judgmental and interrogating.)

(BZ 2010 photograph of a rose is layered with two textures courtesy of ShadowHouse Creations.)

And the Giveaways Go To ...

Twenty-three people entered this milestone giveaway.  Thank you everyone for participating.  I wish I could send everyone their selection.  Using Random.org's random sequence generator the two entrants who will receive framed prints are:


Vicky from The Westra World who selected 'Chicory':

And, Brian from WaystationOne who selected 'Tree Trunk After Rain':

Congratulations to you both!  I will notify you, in case you don't check in here, and begin to prepare your choices for shipping.  If I do not hear back from you (use my email address that you can find by clicking on "About Me") providing your full name and address in the next 24 hours, the next person on the random.org sequence will receive the print.


Thank you again everyone for your kindness, interest, presence, encouragement and stimulating comments.   Another giveaway will come along soon for those not selected today!

One extra surprise giveaway will go to Cindy who turned out to be my 200th follower.  Thank you Cindy for being number 200!  You will receive 'Queen Anne's Lace':

A Little Celebration Giveaway!

I recently published my 400th post and will soon be welcoming my 200th follower!  With both 'milestones' happening in such close proximity it set me to thinking what a rewarding experience this blogging adventure has been.  It all began last June (2009) and has really been the impetus for my growing delight in photography.  I really had to work hard and stretch to measure up in the smallest way to the amazing photography discovered here in the blogosphere!  It has opened up a whole new avenue of expression for me and I owe much of it to all of you and your encouragement.

YOU, of course, are the best 'discovery' made throughout this process.  I have received and learned so much from all of you and am deeply grateful for your visits and comments here.  Visiting your blogs, in turn, has been a feast for the eyes, senses, mind and funny bone.  Encountering so many different points of view from around the globe has been truly enriching.

So to mark my 400th post and soon-to-be 200th follower AND to thank all of you who have graced me with your presence here, I want to offer a giveaway of one of my photographs.  There will be two winners - for no particular reason.  I have posted six 8 x 10 inch photographs from which you can choose the one you would like should you be picked by 'Random.org'.  I will announce the TWO winners on this blog at 1:00 p.m. EST Friday, March 12th.  You do not have to have previously commented here to enter btw!

To enter you must:

*  simply leave a comment here, telling me which ONE photograph you would like to receive if you are randomly selected

*  make sure I can access you to get your email address, should you be one of the lucky two selected

If after announcing the 2 winners at 1:00 p.m. EST, Friday March 12th,  I do not hear back from you with your co-ordinates in 24 hours, the prize will go to the next in line in Random.org's selection.

#1 - Queen Anne's Lace Mosaic 

#2 - Tree Trunk After Rain

#3 - Pink Orchid

#4 - Winter Sunset Through Branches

#5 - Chicory

#6 - White Hydrangea Mosaic

Should you be one of the two chosen by Random.org, you will receive your choice of photograph (one only) in a minimalist (fancy word for inexpensive) black frame.  You will be able to hang and enjoy it right away, or you can mat it and encase it in a frame to match your decor.  I wish I could send a thank-you photograph out to everyone, ('regulars', occasional commenters, those who read but don't comment, etc.) but for now there will be only two selected.  Good luck to all!