Do you believe in an afterlife?

After posting a while back (...my Sunday candy companion...) about my first encounter as a child with death, and what I was taught to believe about life after death, I would like to ask you if you believe in an afterlife?   I, as you may have gleaned from past posts, have trouble with the afterlife as articulated by most of the world's relligions but I do know energy does not die and that gives me some hope that something of each of us lives on.... 

Do you believe you will be resurrected? 

Do you believe you will be re-incarnated?

Do you believe there is a heaven ... a hell? 

Do you believe that after your death there is nothing? 

Do you believe that if you live on in some form, that your current personality, memories, relationships live on with that form?

If you do believe in life after the death of your human body, what do you imagine your afterlife will be like?  What will you be doing?

As I said, I was raised believing, as Jehovah's Witnesses teach, that I would survive God's ever-imminent destruction of 'this wicked system of things' and live forever, as who I am now, on a paradise Earth .... just as God supposedly  intended before 'Adam and Eve's fall into sin'.  Now, no longer a J.W., I do not entertain the illusion of that particular 'reward for obedience to God's commands'. 

Of course, I would like to believe that my life goes on in some form, and that I would be re-united with my loved ones after death.......that would be a great comfort......however, as much as I would like to believe, I am uncertain.   But, I am always open to learn otherwise.  I know, it is an article of faith, but after being spiritually misled my 'faith' is weak.  (This post, BTW, is NOT a request to be convinced/converted/saved - simply a request for your point of view.)

I am interested to hear your beliefs about what happens after death.  So I respectfully request that you share them here, if you are so inclined.  As in previous discussions, it is not my aim to convince you to embrace any particular point of view either.  There are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers here - just our opinions/beliefs.  This can be a place where we can share our views and see what hopes others, whom we respect, entertain about life after death.

Silence

the beautiful

(Photograph by Bonnie Zieman, 2009)

Frederick Turner is an American poet and academic living in Dallas (born in 1943).  You can visit his blog at http://frederickturnerpoet.com/.

Camelot North

We often call our little piece of land 'Camelot' because it is everything we ever wanted.  Our kids sometimes call it "Come-a-lot', because they do.  These are pictures I have taken over the past couple of snowy days.  The weather is quite mild, the snowflakes are gargantuan but because of the mild temperatures there is not much accumulation.  There is just enough snow to make everything look pristine, like a Courrier & Ives greeting card.  I think I have already posted the lyrics to Camelot to accompany photos in a previous post.  But as I viewed these photographs I could not get the lyrics out of my mind.  Too bad Arthur did not decree that there always had to be chinks of sunlight escaping through the snow clouds to make everything sparkle and shimmer ... I know, I'm getting way too demanding!  Anyway, please indulge me ... here are King Arthur's melodic decrees for paradise again:

CAMELOT

ARTHUR:

It's true! It's true! The crown has made it clear.
The climate must be perfect all the year.


A law was made a distant moon ago here:
July and August cannot be too hot.
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
In Camelot.
The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot.

By order, summer lingers through September

In Camelot.

Camelot! Camelot!

I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot

That's how conditions are.

The rain may never fall till after sundown.

By eight, the morning fog must disappear.

In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.

Camelot! Camelot!
I know it gives a person pause,

But in Camelot, Camelot

Those are the legal laws.


The snow may never slush upon the hillside.
By nine p.m. the moonlight must appear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot

For happily-ever-aftering than here

In Camelot.

(Lyrics to "Camelot" by Lerner & Lowe)

Are you up-to-date with who you really are?

The above words are so simple, so true and carry a wealth of meaning.  Self-forgiveness is a topic we can save for another time.  For this post let's concentrate on the words, "...and remembered who I am...".

The Course in Miracles is talking about remembering who we are on a spiritual level - remembering and accessing the divine inside.  However, on a more everyday level many of us are not up to date with who we truly are.   Yes, we can recount our history, our victories, our defeats, our struggles, our fears, our foibles.  We have not forgotten those.  But I have seen over and over again how many of us are not up-to-date with the qualities, the strengths we have acquired while dealing with the sometimes brutal givens of existence.  It is as if we still see ourselves through the eyes of a younger, unsure, less competent part of ourselves.


Sometimes trauma can make us temporarily regress - make us feel little inside.  When we feel that way we see the world and ourselves through the eyes of our insecure, inexperienced inner child - even though we are walking around in an adult body.  Some of us can get stuck in that limiting point of view.

So, near the end of a course of therapy - having acquired some knowledge of, and appreciation for the person - I try to hold up an undistorted mirror to them, so that they can see who they truly are.  Many are resistant to the more up-to-date view of themself.  Most do not recognize the strengths they have acquired and use.  "No, that's not me", they say.  "Well, perhaps I was able to ... that one time, but ....".   

A lot of us do not see ourselves as competent as we really are.  Often, people have no idea how resilient, how compassionate, how versatile they are.  It is as if they need to catch up with themselves as a mature, experienced adult with all the intangible, inner acquisitions they have made over their lifetime.

Are you up-to-date with who you really are?  Do you acknowledge and own all the qualities that have brought you this far?  Or do you only 'own' your weaknesses and failings?  They say that what you dwell upon, grows.  That should be incentive enough to acknowledge our failings, learn from them, correct them and not make them our major preoccupation.  Once acknowledged and dealt with, let them go.  Can you learn to love your imperfect self?


 Do you appreciate your strengths?  Are you grateful for and comfortable with your competencies?    Do you view yourself from the perspective of the adult you are, or the child/young adult that you once were?  Is it time for you to 'catch up' and remember who you truly are ... NOW?

Sit down and make a list of the qualities that have helped you survive your life's challenges, e.g.  intolerance for injustice, compassion, persistence, sense of humour, ability to make and keep friends, work ethic, particular values, etc. etc. 

Make another list of the competencies (big and small) you have acquired over a lifetime, e.g.  drive a truck, good hiker, master baby soother, best breakfast chef, adequate golfer, amateur photographer, good listener, great joke teller, gardener, doctor, stone mason, life of the party, movie buff, card shark, etc. etc.

Make another list of the roles you have taken on in your lifetime, e.g. father, lover, friend, nurse, child, aunt, parent, good neighbour, cook, chauffeur, decorator, family cheerleader, etc., etc. 

You won't come up with everything in one sitting.  Keep adding to the lists as things come to mind.  When you feel the lists are fairly complete - look at them, take them in, own them.  Love the person all those qualities, competencies and roles represent.  Be up-to-date about you.  Appreciate all that you are. 


This is not a narcissistic exercise (unless you make it so!) for once you remember who you are, you are then free as The Course says, to "bless everyone and everything you see".  Remembering who you are and loving the person that you are then frees you from the self-involvement that comes when you feel insecure, unlovable, incompetent.  You are now free to look outward and love and bless all that you see.  You don't have to dwell on yourself, once you have accepted yourself.  Once you acquire self-acceptance you are free to be of service to the world.  Your focus moves outward.

Oh, and if you have trouble seeing past the negatives about yourself (which we all have) while you do this exercise - well, maybe it is time to work on the forgiveness piece as The Course in Miracles suggests.

Falling

Fall gently,
slowly,
until covered
by your mystery
I feel held,
finally,
by love.

Fall quietly,
sweetly,
Until covered
in your silence
I hear the melody,
finally,
of splendor.

Fall delicately,
purely,
Until enveloped
in your blanket
I know the healing,
finally,
of grace.

Your Wednesday flowers have arrived

Took these cropped shots last summer.  The green sections of the mosaic are eucaplyptus leaves, while the pink are the petals of a cleome blossom.  Hope they brighten your day.

Heart Coherence

Heart Coherence

David Servan Schreiber is a French psychiatrist who works in the US. In his best-selling book, "The Instinct To Heal", he argues for the need for ‘a new medicine of emotion’ which is – drug free and includes alternative approaches to curing stress, anxiety and depression.

Servan-Schreiber is a neuro-scientist and argues that many psychological problems result from the two brains – the limbic (emotional) brain and the neocortex – not working well together. In his books he advances seven different techniques, all supported by scientific evidence, for improving brain function, and how we feel, by tapping into the emotional brain’s self-healing process. He argues that the most important technique we can learn for emotional, and physical, health is ‘heart coherence’.

Here are a few paragraphs from one of his books that describes this technique:

The Coherence Training Method

"Heart coherence was first described in 1992 by physicist Dan Winter and was made popular more recently by the Institute of HeartMath based in Boulder Creek, California. They developed and researched a number of techniques and practical applications of cardiac coherence. Their work has been developed further by others in Europe, such as Dr. Alan Watkins based in London.


The practice of heart coherence draws together a number of ancient wisdoms and traditional techniques used in yoga, mindfulness, meditation and relaxation. The first stage consists of turning your attention inwards. To start with, you must set aside your personal concerns for a few minutes. You have to be willing to keep your worries briefly waiting and give your heart and brain the time it takes to recover their balance and intimacy.

The best way to go about this is to begin by taking two deep, slow breaths. They will immediately stimulate the parasympathetic system and begin applying a bit of physiological ‘brake’. To maximize their effect, your attention must stay focused on your breath right up until you have finished exhaling and then let your breathing pause for a few seconds before the next in-breath begins of its own accord. The point is to let your mind float with the out-breath right up to the point where it lightens up, becoming mellow and buoyant inside your chest.


Eastern meditation practises would suggest concentrating on the breath as long as possible and keeping the mind empty. But to maximize cardiac coherence, it works better to actually centre your attention on the region of your heart 10 to 15 seconds after your breathing stabilizes. At this second stage, imagine that you are breathing through your heart (or the centre of your chest, if you do not yet feel your heart directly). As you continue breathing slowly and deeply (but effortlessly), visualize - and really feel - each inhalation and exhalation passing through that key part of your body.

Imagine that each intake of oxygen nourishes your body and exhalation rids it of the waste it no longer needs. Imagine the slow and supple movement of inhalation and exhalation that bathe the body in this purifying and soothing air. Imagine that they are helping your body make the most of the gift of attention and respite it is receiving from you. You might visualize your heart as a child in a bath of lukewarm water where it floats and frolics freely, at its own pace, without constraints or obligations. Like a beloved child at play, you ask her only to be herself. You watch her thriving in her natural element, as you continue to supply gentle and enveloping air.


The third stage consists in becoming aware of the sensation of warmth or expansiveness that is developing in your chest, and in fostering and encouraging it with your thoughts and your breath. This feeling is often shy at the beginning and emerges only discreetly. After years of emotional abuse, the heart is often like an animal awaking from long hibernation. First it feels the first warm whiffs of spring air. Numb and uncertain, it opens one eye, then two, and it only springs into action after making certain that the mild weather is not just a chance occurrence.

One way to encourage the heart is to draw on a feeling of recognition or gratitude and to let it fill your chest. The heart is particularly sensitive to gratitude, to any feelings of love, whether it be love for another being, an object, or even the idea of a benevolent universe. To many, it is enough to think of the face of a beloved child, or even a pet. To others, a peaceful scene in nature brings on a sensation of inner gratitude. For you, maybe inner gratitude will spring from the memory of a physical feat – the exhilaration of a downhill ski run, the perfect swing of a golf club or the hauling in of a sail as you lean into the wind.

During this exercise, people sometimes notice a gentle smile that has risen to their lips, as if it had been spread from the glow inside their chest. That is a simple sign that coherence has been established. Other signs include a sensation of lightness, warmth or expansion in your chest.

In a study published by the American Journal of Cardiology, Dr Watkins and researchers from the HeartMath Institute have demonstrated that the very act of recollecting a positive emotion or imagining a pleasurable scene rapidly provokes a transition of heart rate variability towards a phase of coherence. Coherence in heart rhythm affects the emotional brain, fostering stability and signalling that everything is in working order physiologically. The emotional brain reacts to this message by reinforcing coherence in the heart. This interplay creates a ‘virtuous’ circle that, with a little practice, may lead to a state of maximum coherence lasting for 30 minutes or more. Coherence between the heart and the emotional brain stabilizes the automatic nervous system, both sympathetic and parasympathetic. Having reached a state of balance, we are optimally poised to confront any and all contingencies. We simultaneously have access to the wisdom of the emotional brain – its ‘intuition’ – and to the faculties for reflection, abstract reasoning and planning of the cognitive brain.


The more training we have in using this technique, the easier is becomes to induce coherence. Once accustomed to this inner state, we become capable of communicating directly, so to speak, with our heart . . . ."


The benefits of heart coherence are many, including the following:


*  master anxiety
*  diminish palpatations or panic attacks
*  lower blood pressure
*  increase 'youth hormone' DHEA (after 1 month of using technique for 30 minutes a day)
*  restore body's physiological balance
*  benefit immune system, thereby increasing resistance to infection
*  minimize symptoms of physical tension (exhaustion, headache, backache, etc.)
*  increase ability to manage difficult feelings
*  with prolonged practice develop greater compassion and tenderness for your inner being
*  enjoy inner calm


You can learn more about heart coherence in Servan-Schreiber's books or from the HeartMath Institute at http://www.heartmath.com/ .

21 Day Cleanse Report

 

February 1st I embarked on the Kathy Freston, "Quantum Healing" 21-day Cleanse.  As reported about 10 days ago, I started to have some worrying symptoms (my left hand went very cold and numb, turned very pale, and felt inordinately fatigued and somewhat headachey and depressed).  So I slackened off a bit by adding some protein, in the form of fish to the regime.  Once I caved there, I added some white wine while dining out with my DH and friends.  I did start to feel better after adding the occasional meal with fish protein. 

Kathryn, who joined me in this venture, says she believes I was missing vitamin B-12 and that could account for the symptoms and the improvement once adding protein that could supply the B-12.  I also discovered that while one of the grains I was eating in the form of bread was wheat free, it was not gluten free.  So my report is that I did not totally stick to the cleanse and it is therefore hard to judge it as such.

Now off of my adjusted version of the cleanse I will continue to not consume meat of any kind, will drastically cut dairy, and avoid wheat and sugar as much as possible.  Wine will be enjoyed when I please with my DH.

No more 21-day cleanses for me.  I will however, experiment with eliminating wheat and dairy but at separate intervals so I can determine which (or perhaps both) is more detrimental to my energy levels.

Some things learned while on the cleanse:

*  I am not 'mindful' when it comes to food preparation or eating.  While preparing food that I did not particularly want to eat, my mind flitted elsewhere - thinking about an idea for a painting or a collage .... stuff like that.  I also noticed that I do not really take time to slowly savour food while eating.  That is something to change - become more mindful around food.

*  I noticed that I often think of food as a reward.   E.g.  "After I complete this task, I will have a cup of tea and an oatmeal cookie".  This became clear when the opportunity for anything that seemed rewarding was absent!

*  It is amazing how not eating animal proteins changes everything about your digestive tract operations!  Hmmmm - how to phrase this delicately?  Let's just say you will cut way back on your purchasing of toilet paper and room freshener!  Quite amazing.

*  I believe it is getting off of dairy that has settled my intestines into a normal, healthy schedule.

*  I figured out it is called a 'cleanse', because you actually do feel CLEAN inside. I don't know why or how I knew this, I just knew and it felt good.

*  Not eating gluten, makes you feel less bloated.

*  Not eating sugar or wheat really cuts back on food cravings.

*  I still do not like tofu.

*  Love, love, love white tea.  It is apparently even better for you than green tea.

*  Sometimes I would think "I don't want to invest time cooking something I am not really going to enjoy - so I will just eat it raw".  It was good, easy and fast.  And raw food probably offers more health benefits too.  Don't worry, I will not soon be promoting a raw foods diet.

*  There are 1001 things you can do with oats.

*  Love, love, love sunflower sprouts.

*  Anything tastes better with a few drops of toasted sesame oil.

*  When you sneak some black Alaskan cod in your diet - sprinkle lemon infused olive oil on it for a taste delight.  To die for!!!

*  Finally, I learned, or rather confirmed, that I have much less willpower than my daughter who followed the cleanse perfectly - twice.  Guess I will have to eat crow.

*  And my sweet blogging friends, I have learned to  never bore you about any regime I undertake, again!

Kathryn did stick to the cleanse for the whole 21 days (BRAVO!!) and gives a report about the experience here.

Marlene and Val also accompanied us, but I have not heard from them since the first week.  Perhaps they will leave comments here to update us on their experience.

A bouquet for Renee

Dear Renee, you brightened my life with your expressions of love.  These flowers are for you.

resilience

(Photograph by Bonnie Zieman, 2009)

disappointments

 

Now how liberating is that?!!  To view disappoinments as dis-illusion-ments flips our usual response on its head.  Disappointments usually sadden one.  But to be disabused of one's illusions - now there lies the gift in every disappointment.

sunset mosaic for you

This is a little mosaic of photographs taken from our living room window at sunset - about a week ago.  The colours were so intense as to be almost unbelievable.  I love the wild, jumbled network of black branches in front of the sunset.  It adds complexity, interest and wonder to the already amazing sunset.  Hope you enjoy these.  I took them for you.

For Barry

If you don't yet know about Barry, you can check out his story at 'An Explorer's View of Life'.

consistent/inconsistent

(Background courtesy of ShadowHouse Creations)

To strive for consistency is generally something desired and admired, however, it can become quite a rigid stance toward life.  So this little post is in praise of inconsistency with a few provisos:  Children need their parents to be consistent and predictable.  Employers will not look favourably on employee inconsistency -  nor will your clients, neighbours, mortgage holders, etc.  Consistency is good - just not ALL the time.  

For example, think of the squeals of delight from little ones when they see a parent do something silly or goofy - out of character.  Think of a brainstorming session where the desired solution/idea/invention comes from someone willing to think out of the box, make wild comparisons, speak the seemingly forbidden.  So like Carl Rogers I say, yes let's generally be consistent, reliable - but not rigidly so.

Someone who has access to all that they are - their creativity, their inner child, their unbounded joy, their spontaneity, their willingness to experiment, not know, look stupid - can express themselves freely without worrying if their current expressions jive perfectly with every past communication.
 

You can expect to be called to account for being real, creative, unpredictable, quirky - but I think you will be pleasantly surprised that people will gravitate to you - longing to be as expressively free and unencumbered.  I actually take being called "quirky" (and it happens frequently) as a compliment.

Yes children need predictability, yet who loves surprise, cognitive dissonance or a conundrum more than a child?  And aren't we all children at heart?   I love that this Carl Rogers quote shows we can be trustworthy, adult, competent, healthy AND at the same time freely, inconsistently, spontaneously expressive - able to express, reveal, disclose different facets of our personality.  It makes me think of the old Marlo Thomas book for children called, "Free To Be Me".  Do you feel free to be YOU, even if it reveals your inconsistencies?

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."  Oscar Wilde

embracing the emptiness

I love this quote by Richo encouraging us to reach out and embrace emptiness as a vital step in approaching our deepest self.  And yet, in our helter-skelter lives filled with busyness, distractions, things, we tend to rush to sweep away any feelings of emptiness and replace them with what we call 'ful-fill-ment'.  And so we forever postpone the freeing, expansive encounter with our deepest Self.

If we can create spaces - a walk in nature, quiet contemplation in a safe place, meditative practice, yoga - where we can transcend the ego's insistent demands, we can perhaps begin to develop a level of comfort with the inner emptiness and eventually have a sacred encounter with who we really are .... pure being.

One World One Heart Giveaway Winner Is.....

And the winner of the 8 x 10 inch (minimalist frame) art photo print below is:  Wondrous Strange Designs

I have sent you (WSD) an e-mail to this effect.  If I do not hear back from you within 24 hours giving me the address where I should send the prize, I will pick the next entrant picked by the Sequence Integrer at Random.Org.  Congratulations Wondrous Strange Designs!

(Photograph by Bonnie Zieman, 2009)

a high school story

We were a motley crew of fifteen-year-old high school students.   We did not study the arts, languages, literature, philosophy.  No, we signed up for a lower level of education.  A co-ed group of approximately 25 students in the newly-offered Business & Commerce programme at the local high school.  It was the third year of the programme and those of us in it knew we couldn't or wouldn't go to university.  So the Business & Commerce Course seemed to offer skills that would allow us to set up our own business, or more likely, work as bookkeepers, typists, personal assistants, or manage our finances once we became famous rock stars.  Some did not have the grades to enter the liberal arts programme - some did not have the inclination to do the amount of work such a programme required - and some, like myself, had their own reasons for seeking a 'lower-level' education.

Raised as a Jehovah's Witness, I was encouraged (as were all Witness children) to forego the lures and luxuries of 'the world' and devote myself to full-time service as a preacher of 'the good news of God's kingdom soon to establish itself on Earth'.  Lucky me.  We were encouraged to complete our high school years, acquiring only enough basic skills to earn a living while we spent most of our time going from door-to-door (without any remuneration), and give up any thoughts of higher education.

Who was I to think I knew better than God or the congregation elders?  So even though I loved learning and it came easily to me, I found myself studying typing, penmanship, and bookkeeping.  Worse than that, I pretended that this choice was my choice - something I wanted - when, in fact, I did not.  I longed to be in the liberal arts programme and to go on to university.  I had a good mind and I knew it was going to waste.  To save face, to avoid pain I had to pretend this limited education, this future was exactly what I wanted.

It did not matter what programme you were in at this school, every morning you had to stand to attention for the singing of the national anthem and the reciting of the Lord's prayer.  Of course, as a J.W. I could not do either.  So after seeking the agreement of each year's home room teacher, I was allowed to wait outside the classroom and enter late, after the anthem and prayer.  It was humiliating, but less so than being the only one to remain seated during these formalities.

Impromtu school assemblies, to be held in the auditorium, were often announced over the P.A. system and always sent me into a quiet panic.  Assemblies always began with a singing of 'God Save the Queen' and ended with 'O Canada', while everyone stood at attention.  Jehovah's Witnesses were to give their loyalty only to 'God's Kingdom' - not to any earthly one - and could not participate.  So I tried to sneak off to the bathroom and arrive at the auditorium late and stand in the back where I would not seem to be disrespecting God, Queen, country or anyone present, by refusing to stand or sing.  I would now love to have known my blood pressure during those situations.  It was probably off the charts for a teenager.

There was one teacher I particularly disliked during this time period.  The dreaded  Mr. Zobel.  He was an immaculately dressed man, had a brush cut, and an arrogance that seemed to emanate from every pore.  He did not make small talk in class and I don't recall ever seeing him smile.  I did see him occasionnally drive into the teacher's parking lot in his MG convertible, with a yellow scarf wrapped jauntily around his neck.  

It was difficult to integrate the rigid, no-nonsense  version of Mr. Zobel in the classroom, with the free, 'debonair' version of him in his cool car.  He had the slightest German accent and, sitting daydreaming in his class, I often imagined him marching up and down the aisles between our desks with the uniform, shiny riding boots and crop of a member of the Gestapo - ready to ship us away for any offense. 

Mr. Zobel had unrelenting expectations of me that made me anxious.  No not that kind.  Mr. Zobel was always proper and appropriate.  Academically, Mr. Zobel was never satisfied.  If I achieved an 87/100 on a bookkeeping test, he would scribble beside it "Not Good Enough!!!"  When not participating in his class 'interrogations', he would insist.  I was determined to hide any facility I had with learning.  Mr. Zobel continued to try to pull me out of hiding and I resented him for that.  

During this same period I had problems at home.  My father walked away from the family never to be heard of again.  Being abandonned made me feel different again in another way, and I did not want anyone to know about it.  I wanted to close down, hide and mourn privately.  I did not want to attract any more attention, anywhere - even in Mr. Zobel's classroom.  

If Mr. Zobel pushed open the door of my hiding place to 'extract my potential', my fear was everything would come gushing out.  He did not understand that I needed to supress everything, even any potential,  to avoid further pain, exposure, loss and humiliation.  He kept pushing to open the door.  I kept pushing back to keep it closed.  His insistence seemed insensitive and cruel, and his persistence further entrenched me in a defensive stance.

I felt I stood out enough because of all my Jehovah's Witness quirks, and my impoverished, fatherless home situation.  I did not want to draw attention to myself with the right answers or good marks.  I tried to keep a lid on and Mr. Zobel was determined to remove that lid.  I only allowed myself to excel at the end of term exams where the marks would be revealed on the report card and not read out by Mr. Zobel from the front of the class. 

One day near the end of the year, Mr. Zobel informed me that I had earned the highest marks in the Business & Commerce programme for that year and that there was both a certificate and a monetary award for this achievement.  Awards for all levels would be handed out at the graduation ceremony in the school auditorium.  He informed me that he would give me the certificate and the cheque at the ceremony. 

 Great (NOT)!  All I could think of was how I would be sitting on the stage awaiting my award and everyone would stand to sing O Canada and I would humiliate the institution and myself by remaining seated and mute.  My mother gave her permission to not attend the ceremony.  Jehovah's Witnesses often opt out of such situations when they can.

The morning of the awards ceremony while sitting talking with my mother the telephone rang.  My mother said, "It's Mr. Zobel."   WHAT??  I did not want to talk to Mr. Zobel.


Me:  ....H....H...Hello.....
Mr. Zobel:  Hello Bonnie.  Just want to remind you that you need to be here for the award presentation no later than 1:00 this afternoon.
Me:  I thought you knew that I will not be attending Mr. Zobel.
Mr. Zobel:  Are you ill?
Me:  No.
Mr. Zobel:  Then you must come.
Me:  I'm sorry, I won't be there.
Mr. Zobel:  For what reason?
Me:  aaah....I.........I.......don't want to be on stage and have to remain seated during the national anthems with the whole student body staring at me.  They don't understand why ... they'll think I'm an idiot.......
Mr. Zobel:...........silence...................................I insist that you get yourself ready and get down here.
Me:  But..............
Mr. Zobel:  You do not have to sit on stage during the singing of the anthems.  I will escort you to your seat on stage after the singing of the national anthem and I will escort you off stage before they sing 'God Save The Queen'.  I'll expect you in my classroom at 1:00.
Me:  But............
Mr. Zobel:   (click).


I went to the award ceremony.  Mr. Zobel smiled when he saw me arrive.  He was kind and gentle and infused me with some of his confidence.  He made me feel as if doing this extra work of getting me on and off the stage with as little fanfare and humiliation as possible, was something he did every day. He offered me his arm and we walked to our seats on stage AFTER the playing of the anthem.   He smiled again when he presented me the award and the cheque.  Taking a quick peek at the audience, I saw the motley crew standing and applauding.  I had not expected that.  At the end of all the presentations, but before the next anthem, Mr. Zobel stood, motionned for me to join him in leaving the stage.  He made it all so easy.  So many little humiliations averted.  So many long-held assumptions blown apart in one afternoon.

Upon returning to the classroom to gather my things and head home, I thanked Mr. Zobel for his help that day - and promptly began to cry.  He asked what was the matter and the 'doors' opened and I told him about some of my struggles.  He listened quietly, and acknowledged I had been dealing with a lot.  He offered no advice.   He made no criticisms of my mother or our religion.   He gave what I most needed - a non-judgmental, compassionate ear and the assurance that I was handling things well and that he had every confidence things would eventually be resolved.


As I walked home clutching my award and cheque, I had many thoughts.  I realized that Mr. Zobel had never been a Gestapo-like enforcer, he had been a supportive, if demanding, advocate.  He recognized my potential and predicament and was trying to facilitate my development as both a student and a young adult.  The tears in my eyes were now tears of gratitude - not for any award or cheque - but for being seen, valued, understood, appreciated and accommodated.  I finally realized how easy it was to get caught in  misperceptions, to make sweeping assumptions, to shut out caring people.  I saw what a cloistered, confined and thus limiting life I led, and finally became aware that there were life lessons to be learned outside of family and religion if I was open to receive them.   This had been an encounter with a true gentleman, a remarkable educator - and I had been forever changed.


Upon graduating a year later, I sent him a note to let him know that I understood what he had been trying to do and how much I had learned from him - on so many levels. 

Mr. Zobel, all these years later - I remember you still - and in many ways due to you, I eventually did kick open the 'doors' and obtain a university education.