Tuesday, February 2, 2010

...all she can eat is tongue in cheek...


Did you read that crazy woman's post last week?  OMG!  Some female blogger saying she was going to do a 21 day cleanse food regime.  Don't know her all that well, but having read a few of her posts I know she is a little strange.  She had the gall to try and enlist others to join her in this wild endeavor, as well.  Then before she even tried the regime, she posted a couple of lame recipes for others who might be so inclined, and then just disappeared into the vapors of her eternally simmering soups.  She even posted some drivel about oatmeal steaks!  Well, I for one, did not take the bait or buy into her vegan schemes.

Doesn't she know how abysmally difficult it is to deprive oneself of caffeine, animal proteins, sugar, wheat and alcohol all at the same time?  Has she never heard of the word 'withdrawal'?  Does she not live with other normal people who will continue to eat, relish and enjoy all these things right in front of her?  Does she not realize that while caught in the throes of withdrawal, after having had wheat and sugar probably every day of her life, that she will not be able to shop, plan a meal, recall a recipe, think straight, find the kitchen, or make sense of this new language called 'Veganese'?  Did she really think she could continue her normal activities, be of service, be courteous, when all she really wants to do is grab a ciabatta smothered in butter and shove it in her mouth?  What part of her brain is malfunctioning to such an extreme that she could get caught in such a plan?  I bet in her desperation she has probably resorted to eating Cape Cod cholesterol free potato chips (no caffeine, no sugar, no animal protein, no wheat and no alcohol!!!) while hiding under the island in her kitchen!


If you know this wacky woman do steer clear of her - because I bet she is not fit company for anyone right now.  From what I know of her she is somewhat lacking in impulse control, has little ability to delay gratification, and could possibly become violent if you step between her and what she really, really wants.  I have not seen any posts from the people who entertained doing the 21 day cleanse with her.  I hope they are fairing better than I imagine she is.  Frankly, I think she asked for whatever sacrifices and suffering that ensued and she better not start whining about it on her blog - because nobody is going to want to hear it.  She set her table now let her sit at it!

48 comments:

  1. Okay, I have to admit, out of all the side effects that could have possibly evolved from your, um I mean HER cleanse... a hilarious romp with withdrawal was not what I anticipated!! So fun to see this playful side of you... oh yes, her! Tell her to hang in there :)

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  2. Ok - I'll bite (no pun intended).
    I jumped on your bandwagon, Bonnie, bought the book, made a meal plan, shopped like a vegan bandit, and basically committed to doing ALL the cooking at my house, for the next 21 days. arghhh.
    I'm doing ok - have been low grade headachy and have had a weird back/neckache (the latter nothing to do with withdrawal, but who knows), but I'm not feeling deprived (YET!).
    Stay strong Bonnie! You got us into this mess!
    Make a smoothie - it's filling - and go and look at your pear tree buddha. Peace and laughter,
    Kathryn (from BC - there a lot of kathryns in blogland)

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  3. that made me laugh. Silly woman. One thing at a time!

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  4. I read your invitation- I am aware of my limitations...I declined and am sitting back to see if you go mad or come out at the end all glowing and SOLD on this sort of thing- many are because they feel so great after days of eating clean...I would not do well, I would end up in jail. Good luck to you!

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  5. bonnie it's so good to be able to laugh at yourself. stick with it. steven

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  6. Thanks Vicky - I'll tell 'her'. The first day was a breeze, but today ... not so much ... Doesn't help that I am coming down with a cold. I have to keep telling myself that all of how I feel is not due to the cleanse.

    I did feel better after I wrote this. Humor helps, but I'd still rather have a fresh piece of bagette with a skiff of butter - oh and a little glass of merlot on the side .... just dreaming ....

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  7. Hey Kathryn!! You sound downright cheerful! Glad you are hanging in there. I've been faithful to the plan ... but after two days, I'm not going quietly. Bad headache and I'm feeling rather bitc - irritable. I'm sure my body is balking, and perhaps the headache is a sign of a detoxification process ... I hope!!

    Some rebellious teenager inside of me is saying, 'screw this'.....but my adult self pops back up and brings me back to my senses.

    Well, two days done. Thanks again for your encouragement. Hope you are headache and backache free tomorrow. Take care. :)

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  8. Ellen: I admit it, I am a silly woman. Proudly silly! :)

    It might have been a better plan to ease into it instead of going cold turkey from so many of the basic north american eating staples. Oh well, I invested 2 days of my life, I may as well see it through!

    Thanks for laughing with me ... or was it at me. I'm laughing at me too! :)

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  9. Linda Sue: Why didn't I think of that??? Jail, that is ... It is a definite possibility. Perhaps I should stay in solitary confinement here at home until I adjust to never again tasting a thing I love!

    I'm ranting, but actually I'm doing okay and will survive....without a police record I hope. Thanks for commiserating with me!

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  10. Bonnie...I didn't even start the cleanse...I don't think I could stand feeling any better than I do already...it would be too much to handle...I'm giddy enough...I'll just hang around and support you though! Good luck! :)

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  11. Wanda: What a wonderful thing to be able to say 'don't think I could stand feeling any better than I do already'!!!

    I'm giddy from deprivation and withdrawal - you're giddy from being healthy and satiated. Hmmm .... maybe I should be following your eating plan. When is your book coming out?

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  12. Hey steven: Stick with the laughing or the cleanse? :)

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  13. Hi close friend of the Crazy Woman

    I told my husband of the cleanse plan and he half heartedly agreed but looked a little aghast when I detailed the extent of the deprivation!

    I told my friend and she agreed to accompany us before I told her the details...She went home to lie down!

    Yours in craziness

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  14. I know we all get sick of people saying you won't believe the word verification but I have to tell you in your little slump of enthusiasm tyhat the word was

    REVERRUP

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  15. hahaha Bonnie - i am WITH you! except i started the week before - including smoking - the full whammy! i have been headachey, achey, irritable snappy and wanting to chew my arm off at times. but this just proves to me how much i need to do this. so i am persevering but sharing your symptoms hahaha (maniacal laughter)

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  16. Stay away from her, for goodness' sake, Bonnie; she's mad, bad and delusional. I fear for your safety!
    Perhaps you could approach her very carefully and let her sniff a steak? Or a small piece of chocolate? If she snarls and bares her teeth, step back, pronto.

    Somebody earlier said give up one thing at a time; Bonnie, what happened to your common sense?

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  17. You're already past the hardest part. It'll just get easier from here on out.

    (...she said, having never been one little bit tempted to cleanse her innards for twenty-one days.)

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  18. Delwyn - my dear friend in craziness. This regime is 'frightening' isn't it? My husband heartily embarked on the vegetarian plan - in fact was a bit of an instigator. But he shook his head vehemently 'NO' when I tried to cajole him into accompanying me with this. Guess the mean we live with are not so crazy!

    Revverup - hmmmmm. Good advice. I'm trying. :)

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  19. Ooops - big Freudian slip there 'the mean we live with'!!! The truth has a way of slipping past the bravado!

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  20. ...ohhhh....you made me laugh! I'm going through a bit of the sugar withdrawal thing too.

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  21. Val!!! You are an inspiration. Smoking too! You must be a pillar of strength. Thanks for the support - it's good to be able to giggle about this. I, so agree, these symptoms are not a signal of need, but of detoxification. With examples like you, I just may be able to ride this wild horse to the end of the trail. Thanks.

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  22. Friko: I love it when you taunt and tempt me! :)

    I think the day I decided to do this was the full moon - that's the only way I can make sense of such an impulsive decision. Commonsense did not play any role, as you have noted.

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  23. June: Thanks, I know you are right. I shall persist - but not without protest, self-pity and a lot of whining. I'll try to do it privately from here on. Maybe. :)

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  24. haha. you are developing split personalities through this endeavor as well. persist...i am happy to watch...before i try it. smiles.

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  25. Heh. I'll keep you in mind tonight while I'm enjoying my steak dinner with a baked potato smothered in sour cream and a nice big hunk of buttered Italian wheat bread. And chocolate mousse cheesecake for dessert.

    Sorry, that was mean, wasn't it....

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  26. Oh good, you're (er she's) human! I was getting worried there.

    And no, we don't want to hear her whining, unless she does it as creatively and makes it as much fun to read as you do.

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  27. I'd leave a longer comment but I've been told its impolite to talk with your mouth full.

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  28. Kelly: Thanks for dropping by and commenting. Sugar withdrawal is hard - hang on!

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  29. Brian: Other personalities have always been lurking within - just took detox to force them out. You're smart to do a little assessment before you embark. :) Actually, it is now a day further into this thing and I am feeling less pain and less irritation. Just wait til I start posting all the positive results!

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  30. Jeff: You are a mean man! (not) My mouth was watering as I read your comment . . . oh the tiny trials of the privileged!!

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  31. Barry: Human? Oh dear, the cat is out of the bag.

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  32. Bagman & Butler: Would you be willing to open your mouth (before you swallow) and I could just gaze at the contents? ;)

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  33. I think I need to inch into things instead of diving in whole hog.

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  34. I didn’t eat red meat for years without withdrawal, but I agree that becoming a vegan would be way too hard. Your comic rant says it all.

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  35. Bonnie, it's great to see the funny side of you. I laughed all the way through this, which made part of me regret not going along with the cleanse, although another part is damn glad I didn't, while yet another part is now EX-tremely leery about doing it all on my own, which I had planned to do when next in Calgary without my favourite Belgian. .

    But my cousin Kathryn from BC is in there with you, and lemme tell ya, when you want somebody on your side, she's the go-to girl.

    From the sidelines, and rooting for you both,

    Deborah The Timid

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  36. Meri: You had to add the 'whole hog' didn't you?
    Okay, bring it on ... torture me!

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  37. Sarah: I, too, was off all meat and did not find I had any withdrawal symptoms ... I think it is the carbs (wheat and sugar) and the caffeine. I won't stay a vegan - but this cleanse is like being one for 3 weeks.

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  38. Deborah: So, you and Kathryn have been hiding this kinship from all of us!

    Actually Deborah the first day was fine, and I wrote the post on the second which gifted me with a major headache and case of irritability.

    Now, day 3, and things are much better. When you hang in with it the cravings and symptoms subside - and like Val said, it is proof of how much your body was addicted.

    I just thought I could milk this for a bit of humour and I'm glad it worked! So don't be discouraged - I did permit myself some creative license as I ranted about the deprivation, etc.

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  39. Bonnie,

    This has been the best read and laughter I have had in years! Being creative and living with a fitness addict, we have attempted cleanses before. Some with success (7 days) and others not so much. My heart goes out to you. Once the feeling is totally gone in your fingers, your eyes are crossed and your nose closes up it's time to call it quits! We found certain systems begin to shut down the further into the cleanse we went. One friend who did the 3 week fast became so vitamin deficient that he actually lost teeth!! I think they can replace them now. Good luck!

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  40. Oh, Bonnie, how funny you are ;) love your sense of humour. I am curious now what cleanse you are doing. I will read you further to see.

    I've done a couple in my time. We are crazy, especially when we have to go without caffeine. That is just insanity in my world!!! I love my coffee!

    Good luck with your cleanse...:)

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  41. Well its the 3rd day and I have been in bed all day today with a headache..I may eat bread tomorrow should I survive..the night..I hope my husband does not leave me.....marlene

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  42. C. Hummel Kornell: Alrighty then - lots to look forward to....I really was not counting on my teeth falling out!!!

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  43. Calli: Thanks. It is rather ridiculous...so may as well have some fun with it. Caffeine really seems to be the thing people think they would most miss. I only ever drink 2 cups of coffee a day - so I don't think that is giving me the headache as much as the lack of wheat/flour/bread/pasta. My daughter assures me that soon I will be overcome with energy and vitality....I'm waiting...

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  44. Marlene: Oh, we are having the same symptoms! The headache, sluggishness, irritability. I notice that my husband has been busying himself in the garage and watching television downstairs. Guess he figures it is best to avoid me right now.

    Hope you feel better today (day 4). I keep thinking - 'just give it up' - but feel I've given all of this to it I want to see it thru and reap the benefits - and then the next minute I don't.

    I'm glad you have the luxury of taking to your bed. I, too, decided to let things go and only do what was necessary. Have been indulging in nice long soaks in the tub with lavendar scented epsom salts... Take care and keep me posted.

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  45. Hi again Bonnie,
    Day 4 and I'm pretty good. Was a bit crampy from all the extra fibre, but have added a few glasses of water and that seems to have done the trick. A bit headachey too, but I am/was a real carb/sugar addict, so I guess I really needed to blow out the carbwebs. I've just gone out and bought a food processor and enough salad fixin's to feed the entire community of Watership Down. See what you've done? You CANNOT quit, because I can't! I'm feeling kind of empty, but in a good way. Like I'm lighter inside. Also, my nose is not stuffed up any more. Weird and wonderful. Change is scary. Since I'm feeling some positive effects I know I'll have to make some decisions once the 21 days are over. If I'd felt no changes then I could have gone on to my former eating habits without a second thought. Now I'm going to have LOTS of thinking to do.
    btw Deb is my cousin-by-marriage, but sister-by-soul. Love that woman!
    Kathryn in BC

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  46. Hi Kathryn: Bravo - such a great attitude!! Amazing that you no longer have a stuffy nose... already. I would guess that that is getting off the dairy (animal products).

    There really isn't a lot of point to this if one is just going to resume their old eating patterns. Especially since the cleanse will kill the cravings, so you can then make a choice that is not craving-driven.

    When I resume 'normal life' :) I will eat a little fish, a morning coffee, occasional glass of wine, no animal proteins, and steer away from eating anything that is white - no refined carbs - sugar, flour, white bread, white rice, etc.

    My left hand and foot have gone really cold and slightly numb (?) and I am really a pasty white colour. Also have headache, sluggishness and a bit of nausea. My DH is not happy with how this is affecting me. I'm hoping I will soon be past the withdrawal phase, because this has consumed my whole life shopping/cooking/sleeping/sitting/whining - I want to be productive and creative again.

    Thanks for keeping me posted about your progress. You are going to love having a food processor no matter how/what you are eating. Take care, Bonnie

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  47. I didn't eat any bread... but I notice I am in a really bad mood today...almost like depressed I am staying away from the kitchen...as much as possible and I am actually drinking more juices than anything ..though I have had salads and fruits...nuts..I did take a long hot bath.it helped but I really don't want to be around anyone..so reading and cleanning the house keeps me busy..I hope I feel happier tomorrow..I dreamed last night I had hot sour dough bread with butter...it ws sooo good..

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  48. Hi Marlene: You might be making it harder on yourself than necessary if you are only drinking juices. You need to eat lots of salads, fruits, and legumes/beans (lentil soups, minestrone soups with white kidney beans, black bean salads, bean salads, etc.) You can also get gluten free breads at any health food store. I have been eating an oat and quinoa bread with sliced banana on it in the morning with decaf coffee and it has been very satisfying.

    Make some oatmeal and have it on hand to eat with fresh or dried berries - you can heat it in microwave if you don't like it cold (I do). At the health food store, get some rice milk or almond milk and agava syrup to put on your oatmeal.

    Try cooking quinoa it is very easy to cook - just like rice - I add vegetables I have roasted in the oven, and some sort of legume (kidney beans) to the quinoa with a bit of olive oil and apple cider vinegar for a salad.

    Today I had guacamole with corn chips - and it felt like a meal.

    If you are not going to eat more than what you describe, you need to reconsider this thing and get off and get some food into you ...

    Take care of yourself - and if it is too hard or making you sick there is NOTHING wrong with stopping. The whole point of the cleanse is to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF and if the cleanse is not for you, then stop and look after yourself in that way. Perhaps just eliminating one or two things would be better for you than five?

    Don't do harm to your body, Marlene. If it's too distressing for your and/or your family, stop.

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