The other evening my beloved spotted this couple quietly sitting side by side witnessing the descent of day into night. Their quiet, peaceful, non-interfering presence with each other was a delight to behold and I felt their demeanor embodies a little of what Mary brings to us from her participation in the Hendrix workshop.
Here is Mary's e-mail lesson to me . . . and now for you:
Last nite Dh and I and D and P went into the big city to see and hear Harville Hendrix and what a good time we had. I have summarized his message below. The good part was that he had us do an exercise of having the couples work with their loved one, appreciating each other . It was so much fun and the Vertical vs Horizontal dialogue example was so impactful. I have been trying to get that message across to my loved one recently, and Harville Hendrix had us experiment with it and we had FUN.
Here is the gist of the 4 Non-Negotiables from the Hendrix event. It consists of being "KIND":
K = Know that your partner is different. That person feels, thinks, knows, perceives differently than you do. Thus you must get curious about that other and find out what's up and what's happening with that other that you love every day and night.
I = Increase appreciation. The other is AMAZING! Be amazed with the other. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate! Let them know. Become the other's advocate. Celebrate the other. Take the other's side.
N = Never be negative. period ........................... period!
This lack of negativity fosters SAFETY. We cannot experience connection without safety. Judgment is TOXIC! Negativity causes the production of cortisol, the stay alert, beware hormone. This reduces health because it drains the body of immunity and thus health. This leads to chronic pain and ill health in your body and in your relationship.
D = Dialogue.
Get out of the monologue state (ranting) Ranting or lecturing is vertical communication ( up to down focus). Vertical communication leads to inequality, put downs, thus depression or "murder" (killing the self or the other in small cuts leading to a big cut). Anyone can see terrible effects of vertical communication out there in the world and in families.
Utilize dialogue or "level to level" communication = equality. This requires listening to understand, clarifying and asking for more information to understand. This is horizontal communication which begets safety and equality in the relationship also leads to CONNECTION and respect. Horizontal communication requires each other (both of you) to use it. Must take turns using it to enable equality.
We did some practice sessions with each other right there in the 7-9 pm event, so Dh and I fell in love again! :-)
The Hendrix communication methods, and his many books, have been around for ages and you and I talked about it back in Mtl, years ago, as I recall.
So that is the latest x x x x x x mary